Thursday, June 28, 2007

Gratitude


I've been attempting to express my gratitude for all the folks who have helped me during my undergrad.

I ran into my first year calculs prof. He was especially helpful for me. I came back to school as a mature student and was sure that everyone would think that I was some sort of freak. On top of that, I didn't remember anything from high school. This prof made me feel like I belonged at university and that I could do well. He showed me how to access the resources on campus and I ended up getting a 92 in the class. He also proved to me that profs can be approachable and for the most part, people will want to give me a hand if I ask. As we were walking I noticed a squirrel on the walk who suddenly went flat and I commented that it was a pancake squirrel. The squirrel then scuttled along the ground towards a tree. I wondered if it was sick. I realised after about 5 more steps that she was ready to be mounted. And I felt incredibly awkward and couldn't wait to get away. Yikes.

There are so many other folks I've been thanking as I go through my summer. All the wonderful folks who helped me prepare for interviews, the pep talks from office mates, study buddies...

I know that I would not have been able to get into meds school if it weren't for all the people along the way to hold me up.


These are the same people I will blame for not stopping me when I'm knee deep in ca-ca.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Yikes.

I'm officially no longer enrolled in the Master's program.

Yikes.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A choice is made


I was accepted by a Masters program that I was incredibly excited to attend and had already accepted their offer (it came well before my meds news). I've been sitting on my meds news for over a month but I have just finally sent my decline of their generous offer. It's been worrying me b/c we're broke. Completely stinking broke. At least the Masters would have paid my tuition plus some.

It was also going to be doing something really interesting to me--studying the choices that obese people make and the reasons why despite knowing better they continue to keep making the same choices. I was going to work with the teaching hospital to perform surveys and analyse the data to make recommendations to the government and schools for teaching kids to be healthier. Pretty exciting right?

It was also something I already knew I would be good at.

Enter my good meds news, and all the self doubt it entails.

Today I started the process of letting the folks offering me a masters know that I'm not coming. My heart is still racing. I really feel like I've just jumped off a cliff.

I giant, scary, exciting cliff!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Insecurities


I've been spending some time trying to look younger. When I go to school in the fall, some of the folks I'll be studying with will be 14 years younger than me. 14 years!!! I went through facebook and removed everything that might tells someone how old I am. I've also been perfecting my "I'm 28" response and using masks and revitalizing night creams. It's pretty ridiculous. I just know how judged I was during my undergrad as a mature student. It took 2 years to make friends, but I only have 2 years in med school to convince these folks that I'm not a creepy old person and I have just as much right to be there as they do. I've been watching the OC and Grey's Anatomy in an attempt to gain some cultural cred/be able to speak in short cuts to my class mates. Do people even watch the Simpson's anymore? I sure hope so, that's where most of my references come from.

I don't want to be lonely in a class full of people who are all tight friends. Is it inevitable?

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Money


So now I know, med school is frakking expensive. I thought that some magic fairy would throw some dough at me -- apparently no fairies. This is a scary scary day for me. I have my old student loans that are non trivial plus impending extra debt to be dealt with. I'm freaking out. The niggling thoughts are louder today. What if I can't pay it back? What if my partner freaks out and leaves me with all the debt? What if I flunk out? Where will all the money come from?

I think a beer is in order.

Friday, June 15, 2007

And so it begins...


I've had these nibbly little thoughts lately, ones that are desperately trying to get my attention and that I am desperately trying to ignore. I've been accepted into med school, I'll be starting this fall, but am I doing the right thing? Should I be taking the acceptance into a masters program instead? At least that would pay me to learn.

But most importantly, don't these people know that I'm just faking it? That I don't know if I can be a doctor? That I am an imposter? What if I'm found out? What if someone asks me an incredibly difficult anatomy question on the first day? What if no one likes me?


Chatting with some friends in similar, yet clearly different boats, I realise that I'm not the only imposter. There's a bunch of us hoping to fake it 'til we make it.