Disappointment

A couple in my practice was very upset with me. They felt that I hadn't responded quickly enough to their requests for information. They're right, I didn't. Nothing bad happened. Everything turned out well. But still. 

It shook me. 

I am supposed to be perfection incarnate. I should be everything to everyone of my patients and make them feel safe. I shouldn't add stress to their already stressful times. 

At the point in question, I had taken one week vacation 5 months earlier and likely had 5 days off in those 5 months. I was working late most days and working every weekend. I was tired and I was starting to not care. 

I recognized this and scrambled to get a locum and took off for 2 weeks. It barely scratched the surface of my exhaustion but helped me gain a little perspective and the distance needed to come up with a plan to keep things on track. 

I'm still not perfectly on track, especially when I'm having bits of my soul torn out by patients instead of making their specialist referrals, but I'm making progress. 

The plan to not slip further behind was fairly simple. I don't leave a patient encounter without completing all paper work associated with that encounter. 

It means I'm running 15 min behind on most days and typing madly as I sit with the patient. I'm also messaging staff to bring me pages I need from the outer office. On most days, I can feel confident I've done enough to continue treading water. I'm not getting any further ahead, but mostly I'm not sinking. Not much any way. 

I know in my head that it's not reasonable to think I'm not allowed to make mistakes, but it doesn't seem to make it to my heart. Could that be something I might have been able to learn prior to jumping in to my practice? Is it something I'll ever be comfortable with? I'll certainly continue working on being kind to myself. It's a never ending battle. 

Kill the demons

I keep trying to find ways to chill out in the shortest amount of time possible. My days tend to be filled with emotionally and physically exhausting hours making it necessary for me to recharge. 

I've been playing a lot of Diablo 3. 

There's something very satisfying about clearing a level of all its demons. Maybe it feeds my OCD tendencies to scour every inch of the terrain for loot, gold, and monsters to kill. 

I'm able to complete quests in less than a day. In real life, my quests for answers to patients' ailments can take weeks and longer. And, even then, instead of a huge pile of gold and super swag to dress my hero, I just have a patient with a shiny new cancer. 

 Knowing the demon I'm now fighting with my patient helps both me and my patient (the devil you know?). Instead of minions, I fight paper work. Instead of shamen, my patient fights nausea. Rather than gold and swag, we get kudos and some days of feeling well. 

Looking at my work pile as a quest helps. Seeing my nurses, secretaries, PT, OT, and the rest of the team as my guild, each with their own skills to reach our goals also helps. 

But still not as satisfying as sitting and killing hundreds if demons in one sitting.