Friday, January 16, 2015

Miss Kitty is Gone


We spent 18 wonderful years together. She got me through my undergrad studies, medical school and residency. She has snuggled me when I felt like the world was an evil place, or maybe just the emerg department. 

She's been unwell for a year and needing extra care. I hope that I gave her what she needed. There is so much guilt associated with every death of a loved one. I shouldn't be surprised there is with the loss of Miss Kitty too. 

I was stoic during her euthanasia. Quietly crying and kissing her. My partner was devastated, so loudly mourning. 

Is it that I've seen so many patients die that I'm getting cold? Or that I'm too focused on the intellectual aspects of death of someone we love? But my body is grieving even if my brain isn't. My stomach feels empty and sore. I'm craving sushi and grilled cheese. I've had a migraine for days. I keep walking past her basket to give her a quick snuggle and make sure she's not in pain. My feet are lying to my brain, Kitty isn't there. 

I miss her.