Just get over it

During my first year of practice, I was told over and over again that I should "just get over it”, that things get better in 5 years, that what I was experiencing was normal.

 When I noticed that I was diagnosising at least 5 cases of cancer per week, I confessed to a friend that I was concerned and a bit freaked out. She told me to get over it. That's what family doctors see and do all day. (It's not, especially not in a small rural practice, but I guess surgical residency makes you cynical). I was also told by a colleague that I should expect lots of cancer in my first few years because I will be seeing people who haven't been reviewed in years. But then he walked away.

 I missed a few cancers because I was so far behind on my paper work. They came to light and the patients will survive despite me. This concerned the hell out of me. I asked for extra staff to help me stay on top. I was told to make my staff I already have work faster. My staff that is already overworked with the difficult set of patients we have. There are parables about beating overworked animals, I definitely wasn't going to add to my staff's excess burden.

 When I received my second death threat in 8 months, I told my colleagues. They laughed and told me that I was a real doctor now. (Apparently two of them had received one threat in the past 15 or so years. The rest had received nothing.)

 There was a tragic, horrible, incident on my watch. Then, my colleagues surrounded me and offered help. Looking back, I do wonder how much was because they were worried I'd get the yips and need to stop working the ER. They did do a good job though.

 Seeing patients with more mental health concerns than years in their lives, listening to stories of horrific childhood trauma, being manipulated by personality disorders and drug users was exhausting. When I brought it up I was told to fire these patients, to not ask them questions (I didn't, they offered me their horrific stories on their own), to not let them speak. This advice suggests that I completely ignore my values and put my license in jeopardy.

 I burned out very early in my first year of practice. Looking back, reflecting on the times I asked for help and the lack of actual help I received, it's fairly obvious to me why. I expected my fellow family physicians to care about people enough to care about me. Now I see that I was making a mistake. Everyone has been working for themselves and doing what they can to keep their heads above water, even my good friend. No one is able to help someone else when they aren't able to handle themselves. This is why I now have a therapist. It's also why every new doc needs a dedicated mentor. Someone who has time carved into their schedule just to help the new doc and answer all their questions, let them know what is reasonable and what is not. Knowing at least one person will listen and not tell you to just learn to deal with it is vital to keeping your new docs in practice.