Waffles; they're not just for breakfast anymore!

I keep waffling back and forth between feeling as though I am going to be the best doctor ever and expecting the big Gong Show cane t.m. to pull me off the stage. My class nominated me for an award. I'm in awe - partly because I'm pretty sure other people deserve it more, partly because I didn't think anyone noticed that I was there. There's a dollar amount attached to the award, so it would be fantastic if I actually win the thing.

I've decided that observerships are the best thing a med student can possibly do. I arranged to shadow a rheumatologist this week for an afternoon in her Osteoarthritis clinic. Her nurse was confused about my qualifications (thought I was a resident i.e. already an MD) and started barking orders at me about what I was to be doing all day. Given that I've covered OA in school already and feel comfortable taking patient histories from all the clinical methods training I've had (6 weeks) I was OK with it. When the doc showed up, she knew I was still in first year and didn't give me anything I couldn't handle. I was essentially catching patients' files up since their last visit by getting their histories (solo), interpreting x rays and learning a heck of a lot. Don't worry, the patients all knew that I'm just a student.

I left the OA clinic feeling like I could be a doctor right then and there!

Then I started studying again.

How is it possible that I can be so far behind when I work so much? I think I set my expectations for studying way too high. Re-writing every single lecture is too far. Ignoring weeks of material because I had the prof isn't far enough. Where is the balance they talked about in our first week?

Something I haven't mentioned yet is what I have going on in the background. I find it to be a struggle to keep up with what is going on in my home life and my school life. My partner has bipolar disorder. It's type II which means it's a mild version of the disorder, but that's not reassuring when I never know what to expect when I come home. I don't have the support here that I wish I did. It's not something that I advertise either, I don't want people to know what I'm dealing with. I'm not sure why I think it matters - probably just that I'm not ready to expose my weaknesses until I really get to know my classmates. He's on meds which is fantastic and tries really hard to be stable for me. No extra pressure at all. But if I can get through med school while dealing with his insanity (literally) I deserve then M.D. I'm given.

I guess I'll just keep trudging through until the cane pulls me off the stage.