OMG I passed.

Be afraid.


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Cards Against Humanity

Today was the first of three days of my family medicine licensing exam. It was the short answer management problem day, 3 hours in the morning, 3 hours in the afternoon with an hour for lunch in between.

I had room in my bag for either my notes or my box of cards against humanity game.

I made the right choice.

Playing a silly, irreverent and occasionally dirty game was the perfect mid exam break.


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My partner isn't immune

My partner is incredibly supportive. Like ridiculously supportive. To the point that he is also having exam nightmares.

What a good fellow.


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Exam nightmares

Last night, I was senior resident on call in a teaching hospital. I'd never done this before so it was acknowledged that it was a favour.

My consultant was my grade one teacher. I was still anxious about talking on the phone with her. Not knowing I was on call, I was drunk, and had to speak with her. Mrs. Grade One didn't seem to notice but it was mortifying.

There was also a lot of explaining my age and still being a resident. Also explaining that I'm used to emergencies coming in drips and drabs at my wee hospital.

No actual medicine, just feeling fully out of place and not at all ready.

That's what nightmares ate for though right? To show you what your insecurities are so you can analyse them in the cold light of day and kick them to the curb?

Rawr. I've got this.

And the exam nightmares begin

Even in my dreams, I would rather hunt zombies than study for the exam.

Right now I'm regretting not doing the MCCQE part 2, if only because it would have forced me to start studying a heck of a lot sooner. It also wouldn't have been so shocking to me to find out there is a day of OSCEs as well as the day of SOOs.

This is the second time they're running the CCFP exam this way. It was run in the fall, no problems from what I can tell from my friends who wrote. That gives me hope that it won't be the gong show that the first computer based MCAT was.

So, this nightmare was one of those that make you feel totally helpless. The usual high school crap. I have been studying, but for some reason, haven't written any exams for the past two years and even miss the final exams. I'm looking at never being a doctor again, ever. Not only have I not written exams, I seem to have entirely missed several classes and was never able to find the text books. And, for some reason, I've moved back into my parents' home, along with all my siblings. There is no place for me to study and too many chores to get any studying in. Then, out of nowhere, zombie apocalypse. And I'm relieved? WTF.

I've been interested to see how different residents are choosing to study for this exam.

Some are studying at least 12 hours a week. Coming together in groups weekly and preparing their 99 problems to discuss with each other. Others aren't studying at all.

I'm just trying to stay on top of my clinic work, study when and if I get time.

I've stocked up on herbal tea. I've set up 3 study areas in the house. I have a back up cafe I can use plus the clinic when it's shut.

I've got this.

Taking a break

It's been a while since I gave myself permission to just chill out. There have been some intense, busy, yucky stuff going on up in here. But today, for the long weekend, I used the afternoon to colour.

So worth it.

I haven't done this since first year of university. It clears my mind, keeps me focused on something silly.

This will come in handy as I prep for exams. Again.




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It's exam week

I'm disappointed with how little actual school work/learning I've had time to do this year. It's clear that when I have the time to study and stay on top of the work load (eat all those pancakes) I can do very well.

We had a one week course in Emerg/ICU care this semester. I stayed on top of the material and feel like I killed the exam. Yes it's just one week, but that just meant I was able to stay on top of the work. What makes this win extra scary though is that the rest of the class seems to feel that they did not do well on the exam.

The other three courses this semester though, will not go as well. I'm desperately choosing which weeks I will study. Weeks! Not just lectures or parts of lectures I feel are less important, entire weeks!

We had our OSCE last week and despite studying for the past 2 years and feeling pretty prepared for it, I was knocked off my game a couple of times. It was fun but also, as I said to the examiner for the ankle exam, fully humiliating.

Our school has a pass/fail system so that as long as I make my 60%, I'll make it through to clerkship. For the OSCE, we just need 60% of 60% of the stations. But, I don't want to be the doctor that barely made it through med school. I don't want some doc in administrivia hell looking for the last 1/2 % so that no one has to hold my hand through remediation in the summer. I want to do well in clerkship and need to start making studying a priority in my life. Starting.....NOW.

Waffles; they're not just for breakfast anymore!

I keep waffling back and forth between feeling as though I am going to be the best doctor ever and expecting the big Gong Show cane t.m. to pull me off the stage. My class nominated me for an award. I'm in awe - partly because I'm pretty sure other people deserve it more, partly because I didn't think anyone noticed that I was there. There's a dollar amount attached to the award, so it would be fantastic if I actually win the thing.

I've decided that observerships are the best thing a med student can possibly do. I arranged to shadow a rheumatologist this week for an afternoon in her Osteoarthritis clinic. Her nurse was confused about my qualifications (thought I was a resident i.e. already an MD) and started barking orders at me about what I was to be doing all day. Given that I've covered OA in school already and feel comfortable taking patient histories from all the clinical methods training I've had (6 weeks) I was OK with it. When the doc showed up, she knew I was still in first year and didn't give me anything I couldn't handle. I was essentially catching patients' files up since their last visit by getting their histories (solo), interpreting x rays and learning a heck of a lot. Don't worry, the patients all knew that I'm just a student.

I left the OA clinic feeling like I could be a doctor right then and there!

Then I started studying again.

How is it possible that I can be so far behind when I work so much? I think I set my expectations for studying way too high. Re-writing every single lecture is too far. Ignoring weeks of material because I had the prof isn't far enough. Where is the balance they talked about in our first week?

Something I haven't mentioned yet is what I have going on in the background. I find it to be a struggle to keep up with what is going on in my home life and my school life. My partner has bipolar disorder. It's type II which means it's a mild version of the disorder, but that's not reassuring when I never know what to expect when I come home. I don't have the support here that I wish I did. It's not something that I advertise either, I don't want people to know what I'm dealing with. I'm not sure why I think it matters - probably just that I'm not ready to expose my weaknesses until I really get to know my classmates. He's on meds which is fantastic and tries really hard to be stable for me. No extra pressure at all. But if I can get through med school while dealing with his insanity (literally) I deserve then M.D. I'm given.

I guess I'll just keep trudging through until the cane pulls me off the stage.