To Do List

I slept in today. A weekday. Until I woke up.

It was brilliant.

I've been working on my To-Do list. It includes only extra-curricular things today. There's such a sense of accomplishment crossing things off a list. I add things that I started on before making the list just for the joy of crossing them off.

I'm looking forward to going to Starbucks tonight to study neuro for a few hours away from all my other responsibilities. No one ever sees me there because I go to the shop far away from campus. It's fantastic. Although not just a little pathetic that I need to isolate myself to get work done.

How NOT to talk to patients, as tempting as it is

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Random facts about The Impostor - Med School edition

1. I often bath rather than shower before an exam. This is so I can study in the tub.

2. Even though almost everyone in my class thinks I'm intelligent, I'm barely making it through my exams.

3. Anatomy lab makes me HUNGRY. Which really grosses me out.

4. I'm addicted to having textbooks but rarely use them (though the Case Files series may convert me).

5. When my class chatters while we should be listening to a lecture, I'm ashamed of them.

6. I have consistently done poorer than the class average on all my exams and assignments but one.

7. I crave the approval of those around me. I worry what will happy when I move into my own practice and need to encourage myself - this is when the impostor part of me takes over.

8. I'm terrible at completing projects - I can have several going at once and never truly finish one of them.

9. Even though I know my school has a pass/fail system and that my potential residency programs won't see those marks, I worry that they will somehow find out that my marks aren't brilliant.

10. Drinking herbal tea with fun sounding names makes it easier to study for exams.

11. I watch TV while I'm studying. That likely explains my poor marks.

12. Every now and then I get these moments when I realise that I'm going to be a doctor - soonish. At first I go into this sense of awe and happiness, that is later replaced by abject terror. While I feel I can talk the talk, I'm not sure I'll be able to walk the walk. Maybe dermatology is the thing for me? I like raspberries in my water.

13. I want to specialize in everything.

14. Our class is incredibly charitable. We spend a great deal of time raising money for people overseas, kids who are chronically ill and friends who are fighting great battles. It makes me very proud of them.

15. My favourite block so far has been MSK. I like diseases and body systems that I can see.

16. I was drinking 8 cups of coffee a day. I'm down to 2 now because the hypertension and tachycardia caught up with me.

All talk no action?

One of the first 'touchy feely' things we talked about in med school was how to doctor the doctor. That is, how to treat a colleague in need of medical attention.

I've been thinking a bit about that discussion and how applicable it really could be.

There's something terribly abstract about a lot of the discussions we have in our weekly groups. We talk big, things we would do in certain situations, but will we actually act this way?

I spent a large part of the last three weeks in the hospital with my parent who was having heart surgery. This was unexpected and very scary. My family was kept in the dark quite often about what was going on. Doctors would talk to the stoned patient who would then pass on incredibly strange interpretations of what was going to happen next/what had already happened. At one point, the staff had Dad wrapped up and ready to ship to another hospital while my mother and I were worried in the waiting room, oblivious to why the procedure had taken so long and wondering if anyone was going to come and talk to us. Apparently, they weren't.

Patient centred my large white bum.

Losing control of something as simple as how information is passed on to us was incredibly upsetting, especially for me. I had no idea I was such a control freak, but apparently no one else was surprised.

My father is now home and doing well and doesn't remember much of his hospital stay. All the more reason that his medical decisions and information should have been considered with a family member present. I'm glad he's doing well, but confused about how others dealt with the situation.

Apparently my entire family but one is afraid of hospitals and illness. They choose to ignore it and hope for the best. The one exception is overseas - I can't imagine how stressful that can be.

What bothers me about everyone being afraid of hospitals is the assumption that I will just take care of everything. I get that I'm in med school and can handle a bunch more and understand what's going on. I worry that when my parents are old and in need of help that I will be expected to be the one to take care of them. That worries me. A lot.

I was also thrown by classmates' reaction to me while this was going on. I am currently the epitome of depression. It's from being emotionally and physically exhausted and just so far behind in everything that I need to do. I know it will go away, but I really need support now while I deal with it.

One classmate who I consider a friend but wouldn't think of asking for help emailed me her notes to keep me in the loop on days I missed. I was surprised and very very happy that she cared that much and recognized that I needed a hand. A few others in the class have been very supportive. Ones I would and would not have expected. They noticed I was missing and wanted to know if I needed help. So fantastic.

Others that I consider to be friends are completely ignoring me. I guess they're waiting for the non-depressed me to show her face before trying to engage in conversation again.

This makes me worry about 'the person in our class who will develop mental illness during our 4 years here'. Apparently there's one in every class. I hope the person who notices the out of character behaviour is able to help and can act in the idealized way we discuss in our groups.

Apropos of nothing

Best death scene ever.

Lemming

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

We've been looking at getting me a smart phone so I'm ready for clerkship. I'm really drawn to the the iPhone because the screen is a good size. There is a similarly sized screen for a PC smart phone but after getting many many demonstrations over the holidays, it really seems like this is the way to go. But I still feel like I'm jumping on a bandwagon and going for something I think is sexy not something that is perfect for my needs as a clinical clerk.

And yes, 2 posts, one day. I decided that I needed to take tonight off. I've been watching Buffy and generally doing nothing. It's glorious.

How could anyone possibly study?

There is simply far too much to snuggle, far too little motivation and far too many calories consumed over the holidays. How could I possibly study repro? I'm excited to learn more about the reproductive bits of us humans, but it involves holding still and not playing. I like playing.

Repro certainly has it's moments. The erectile dysfunction talk was the most exciting of my med school experience. My favourite quote (with respect to the male arousal cycle)
"A few years ago I asked the class what the difference is between the arousal cycle in males and females. One student put up her hand and replied 'women don't have orgasms'. While this is my personal experience, the literature tends to disagree."